The Right Hawaiian Beach for your Argument

December 23, 2021

*Disclaimer: Hardly anything that follows is true.

Hawaiian Beach
Monica feels for a toehold in the debate.

Everyone wants to drop the kids off at the grandparents and love the world away in paradise. Beneath a golden sun you’ll be inclined to take the time to heal, recharge, or reignite your relationship. We would encourage you to knock that crap off. Don’t be a cliche on your Hawaiian Beach vacation.

There’s a saying in these islands: If the sea is calm, make waves of your own.

It starts with aloha and ends with mahalo. In between we use shark-toothed clubs.

Now, we know what you’re thinking… “But which Hawaiian beach is the right one to wash my grievances ashore?” Relax, friend. You have options. There are four stunning locations near Waikoloa to spend the day cutting each other down. Each beach has a different purpose, so read on to learn more.

Just don’t read out loud. Your voice grates on me.

1. Hapuna Beach — Perfect Beach, Imperfect You

Hawaiian Beach
Laughing in your lover’s face is always a good move.

Like the sands of the sea and the worlds in the sky, your partner’s flaws are without number. How could these peccadillos not join you on your perfect Hawaiian vacation?

When she opened her suitcase in the condo, did it really surprise you that she had five (5) new swimsuits, a sarong, heels AND shades? It’s like that song in which Louis Armstrong famously sang, “I see leaves of green, red roses, too. Amazon came. This box is for you. And I think to myself… what a frivolous wife.”

So when her hat blows off and rolls on down the beach, don’t just laugh and say, “I got it, honey,” before jogging 25 yards across soft, Hawaiian sand. Give her a look that says, “I can’t believe you pissed my hard earned money away on that.” She’ll blame the wind, but you can blame her. Be sure to put a heavy foot on that low-quality piece of garbage. Grind the fibers into the earth. It was her idea to come to this forsaken place anyway, and that cost you thousands.

And while he’s giving you the broken sad-sack look, drink in the incredible shades of blue, the hyperbolic curve of the beach, the children digging castles in jubilee, and think of all the stupid things your lover has said over the years. Not just the pontificating, douchey, throw-away lines either, but the ones that made it clear he doesn’t understand basic human principals of decency.

With so many examples of how underdeveloped your partner is — the list could go on forever, and it should — don’t forget these things just because life is wonderful near the shore. Use them to truncheon the fraud out of your dearly betrothed while they masquerade as a benign tourist. We know them better than this. The other Hawaiian beach goers should understand this, too.

Beaches of Hawaii
Monica returns from the ocean extra salty.

2. Mauna Kea — I Should Have Married A Better Looking Cheapskate

Beaches of Hawaii
Up a tree? Try going on offense!

Have you ever apologized for bringing your cherished abuser to an achingly beautiful resort?

You can’t really blame her, though. You got “economical” on your Kona lodging and wound up beside a meth encampment. It feels kind of stupid now, commuting across the island to a Waikoloa beach just to save a thousand dollars on your dwelling. Why on earth did she make you do this?

Sometimes husbands lose sight of what really matters: Spending our savings on good times.

Did you know the Beatles classic, “I, me, mine,” was written about Yoko making demands in these very islands? John Lennon clearly understood Ohana bows out when the gettin’s good.

As you’re sitting on your dirty towel in the unshaded section of Mauna Kea Beach, counting the cigarette butts around you, eventually you’ll glance over at the umbrellas and loungers reserved for Mauna Kea Beach Resort residents. As the shame of your thrifty decision takes hold, try to not beat yourself up. You shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be here. This is all a huge mistake.

And when your life partner sneers at her diamond ring, refrain from saying something like, “Sweetheart… your diamond sucks not because it’s small, but because your sausage hands make it look small.

Keep these thoughts to yourself. This is not your time. You’ve lost the battle. You’re going to have to wait for another beach.

3. Manini’owali — Selfish as the Lava You Rode in on

Hawaiian Beach
After she burns you, Monica likes to pose on your charred remains

The Hawaiian culture is a beautiful, three-part celebration of family, the universe, and ourselves. This explains why your bunnybear claims to be 1/3 Hawaiian.

Years of neglect cannot be undone because he splurged on a jaunt to a heavenly island. Remember how it was before he broke you? Before he saddled you with labors? Before you settled into that Facebook and knitting lifestyle?

“Would you like a soda,” he may lovingly inquire, as if you need help getting a drink. And where the heck was that offer yesterday when you were actually thirsty?

And where was he this morning when you were tidying up the room? He was playing with his damn camera. He sure looked pleased with himself while you were gathering towels.

“Honey, look at this great photo I took at the beach!”

“Who’s that whore in the background?”

“That’s you, honey!”

“I need a new swimsuit.”

He could buy you a dozen swimsuits, take you out for a hundred steaks, and parade you around a thousand islands, and the mass of it all couldn’t make a dent in the abandonment you’ve endured.

Still, you should let him try. Steak and swimsuits are good. Making him feel like a Scooby-Doo tiki-monster is even better.

Hawaiian Beach
A weary debater washes ashore with head hung low.

4. ‘Anaeholomalu — Were You Looking at Her Fishpond?

Beaches of Hawaii
Keep your eyes on the ocean, brother. Or get better sunglasses.

Legend has it the first inhabitants of the Hawaiian Islands formed couples then retreated to the corners of the islands to procreate. Each year these families would conjoin in a central location to discuss important affairs as a council. This would be the only time of the year they would acknowledge each other.

After several days of amendment and negotiation, in which there was fond feasting and conviviality, on the final night of council the men would build a fire, roast a wild boar over hot rocks, and drink a crude alcoholic beverage made of coconuts and taro. At midnight, the men would stand in a circle facing outward around the fire, and the women would slap the poop out of them until they groveled. They called the ritual Whining Barnacle Hand. It was to honor the Goddess of jealousy, Ke’epya e’yes’ Onme.

Fidelity is at the center of a sound, human relationship, but the mind of a man is beastly. On occasion he is known to look past the ocean and notice a fetid fishpond. Now its possible he was looking for a garbage can to throw away your sugar-free candy, but he was probably checking her out.

If his intentions are ever in question — and they should be, always — you can safely assume the worst. Actually, we recommend you multiply the perfidious assumption by three.

We call it, The Fishpond Rule of Three’s: ME-YOU-HER, SLAP-SLAP-SLAP, SCOLD-SHOP-STEAKS.

There is no greater wisdom in all the islands.

Hawaiian Beach
She’s watching you do something you may not be doing.

Conclusion:

We understand your inclination to utilize vacation for the betterment of your relationship. And we understand that Hawaiian beach lounging is a seemingly fantastic way to accomplish this. After all, Hawaiian beaches are truly incredible, some of the best on the planet.

It is our deepest, most sincere hope that you have learned how wrong you are. Life is so much more complicated than love and relaxation — just like a beach is more than sand and water. There are pointy things, and bitey things, and drowning things in the ocean, as there are violent gestures, degrading looks, and words of discouragement on the sand. Take full advantage of all tools at your disposal.

We repeat: Don’t be a cliche on your Hawaiian beach vacation. Do better.

With love and happiness, the Hoffmann’s!

2 responses to “The Right Hawaiian Beach for your Argument”

  1. […] And don’t forget: If you can’t make out on a Hawaiian beach you can always argue. […]

    • rudolf says:

      You sound like a smart vacationer (because you’re me). We prefer to do both, in that listed order, with high turnaround. Gotta keep those locals guessing.

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