How to Argue on a Hawaiian Beach

Everyone wants to drop off the kids at the grandparents and love the world away beneath a golden sun. On beautiful Hawaiian beaches you’ll be inclined to heal, recharge, or reignite your relationship.

We would encourage you to knock that crap off. There’s nothing worse than a cliche on vacation.

There’s a saying in these islands: If the sea is calm, make waves of your own. It starts with aloha and ends with mahalo, and in between we use shark-toothed clubs.

Now, we know what you’re thinking… “But I’ve never argued on a Hawaiian beach. Which one is the right one to wash my grievances ashore?”

Relax, friend. You have options and it is easy. We are going to tell you about four beautiful Hawaiian beaches where you can spend the day cutting each other down.

Each beach has a different purpose, so read on to learn more. Just don’t read out loud. Your voice grates on me.

1. Hapuna Beach — Perfect Beach, Imperfect You

Like the sands of the sea and the worlds in the sky, your partner’s flaws are without number. How could these grating imperfections not join you on your perfect Hawaiian vacation?

When she opened her suitcase in the condo, did it really surprise you that she had five new swimsuits, a sarong, two pairs of heels AND $300 sunglasses? It’s like that song in which Louis Armstrong famously sang, “I see leaves of green, red roses, too. Amazon came. This box is for you. And I think to myself… what a frivolous wife.”

So when her hat blows off and rolls on down the beach, don’t just laugh and say, “I got it, honey,” before jogging 25 yards across soft, Hawaiian sand. Give her a look that says, “I can’t believe you pissed away my paycheck on that — and I’m gonna go get it now because my wages have no value to you.”

She’ll blame the wind; she always blames the wind. Be sure to put a heavy foot on that low-quality piece of garbage.

Grind the fibers into the earth.

It was her idea to come to this forsaken place anyway, and that cost you thousands.

And while he’s giving you the broken sad-sack look, drink in the incredible shades of blue, the hyperbolic curve of the beach, the children digging castles in jubilee, and think of all the stupid things your lover has said over the years. Not just the pontificating, douchey, throw-away lines either, but the ones that made it clear he doesn’t understand basic human principals of decency.

With so many examples of how underdeveloped your partner is — the list could go on forever, and it should — don’t forget these things just because life is wonderful near the shore. Use them to truncheon the fraud from your betrothed while they masquerade as a benign tourist.

We know them better than this. The other beach goers should, too.

2. Mauna Kea — I Should Have Married A Better Looking Cheapskate

Have you ever apologized for bringing your cherished abuser to an achingly beautiful resort?

You can’t really blame her, though. You got “economical” on your Kona lodging and wound up beside a meth encampment. It feels kind of stupid now, commuting across the island to a Waikoloa beach just to save a thousand dollars on your lodging. Why on earth did she make you do this?

Sometimes husbands lose sight of what really matters: Namely, spending hard-earned savings on fleeting good times.

Did you know the Beatles classic, “I, me, mine,” was written about Yoko making demands in these very islands? John Lennon clearly understood Ohana takes a back seat when the gettin’s good.

As you’re sitting on your dirty towel in the unshaded section of Mauna Kea Beach, counting the cigarette butts around you, eventually you’ll glance over at the umbrellas and loungers reserved for Mauna Kea Beach Resort residents.

As the shame of your thrifty decision takes hold, try to not beat yourself up.

You shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be here. This is all a huge mistake.

And when your life partner sneers at her diamond ring, refrain from saying something like, “Sweetheart… your diamond sucks not because it’s small, but because your sausage hands make it look small.“

Keep these thoughts to yourself. This is not your time. You’ve lost the economical lodging battle and will have to wait for another beach.

3. Manini’owali — Selfish as the Lava You Rode in on

The Hawaiian culture is a beautiful, three-part celebration of family, the universe, and ourselves. This explains why your bunnybear claims to be 1/3 Hawaiian.

Years of neglect cannot be undone because he splurged on a jaunt to a beautiful Hawaiian beach.

Remember how it was before he broke you? Before he saddled you with labors? Before you settled into that Facebook and knitting lifestyle?

“Would you like a soda,” he may lovingly inquire… as if you need help getting a drink. And where the heck was that offer yesterday when you were actually thirsty?

And where was he this morning when you were tidying up the room? He was playing with his damn camera. He sure looked pleased with himself while you were gathering towels.

“Honey, look at this great photo I took at the beach!”

“Who’s that whore in the background?”

“That’s you, honey!”

…

“I need a new swimsuit.”

He could buy you a dozen swimsuits, take you out for a hundred steaks, and parade you around a thousand islands, and the mass of it all couldn’t make a dent in the abandonment you’ve endured.

You should let him try anyway. Steaks and swimsuits are good. Making him feel like a Scooby-Doo tiki-monster is even better.

4. ‘Anaeholomalu — Were You Looking at Her Fishpond?

Legend has it the first inhabitants of the Hawaiian Islands formed couples, then retreated to the corners of the islands to procreate and spend their lives isolated from one another. Each year these families would conjoin in a central location to discuss important affairs as a council.

After several days of amendment and negotiation, in which there was fond feasting and conviviality, on the final night of council the men would build a fire, roast a wild boar over hot rocks, and drink a crude alcoholic beverage made of coconuts and taro.

At midnight, the men would stand in a circle facing outward around the fire, and the women would slap the poop out of them until they groveled. They called the ritual Whining Barnacle Hand.

It was to honor the Goddess of jealousy, Keep Ya’eyes On’me.

Fidelity is at the center of a sound, human relationship, but the feral mind of a man will wander. On occasion he is known to look past the ocean and notice a fetid fishpond.

Now it is possible he was looking for a garbage can to throw away your sugar-free candy, but he was probably checking her out.

If his intentions toward some island beach skank are ever in question — and they always should be — you may safely assume the worst and multiply the assumption by three.

We call it the Fishpond Rule of Three’s: ME-YOU-HER, SLAP-SLAP-SLAP, SCOLD-SHOP-STEAKS.

There is no greater wisdom in all the islands.

Conclusion: How to Argue on a Hawaiian Beach

We understand your inclination to utilize vacation for the betterment of your relationship. And we understand a beautiful Hawaiian beach is a seemingly fantastic way to accomplish this. After all, Hawaiian beaches are truly incredible, some of the best on the planet.

It is our deepest, most sincere hope that you have learned how wrong you are.

Life is much more complicated than love and relaxation.

Don’t be a cliche on your Hawaiian beach vacation.

Thank you for stopping by our website! We are the Hoffmann family, a full-time RV family that has split residence in Seattle, Washington and San Antonio, Texas. We have special needs children that we homeschool, and work travel assignments for the Veteran Affairs Hospital. If you would like to learn more about us, check out our Start Here and Biography pages.

If you’d like to read more about Hawaiian Beaches, check out Oahu and the Big Island of Hawaii.

And if you have any further questions about how to argue on a Hawaiian Beach, seek help by leaving a comment. We’ll be happy to share our worst advisement. In the meantime, God bless and travel happy!