Parker is Moving Out (shh, don’t tell him)

Last updated: October 17th, 2022 | Originally published: October 17, 2022

Just kidding! He knows. He’s ALL FOR IT. Want to know what else he’s doing?

Parker just filled a shot glass with soda pop for the 4th time in five minutes. Actually, it was a salt shaker. Now he is standing before the bathroom mirror, muttering to himself while clutching the sauce. In a few seconds he will toss back the purple soda. There it goes! And now he’s muttering to himself again.

That’s right, Folks! Next step… Tax paying adult.

Which also means, he can live independently. Which also means, life on the road is going to get A LOT sweeter for the rest of us.

There’s a little-known fact about Parker. If he’s not happy, he doesn’t want anyone else to be happy. He’s a social guy and he likes the consistency and structure of living in a community. Life on the road has been hard on him, and in turn has been hard on the rest of us, because an unhappy Parker is a difficult roommate.

I just finished my second session of summer school. Oh, sorry. “Parker” just finished his “summer credit retrieval”. He was not behind, but now he’s ahead. We were able to knock out two credits, so Parker will graduate in March rather than June. He turns 18 in April, and at that time he will get a job. 

He doesn’t really understand why I insisted he get ahead in school, even though I told him so we can get him the H out of the motorhome three months early. He’s like, “Ma, I want my summer to do nothing and stuff like that. Why are you taking my last summer and wasting it?!”

I’m like, “Eh…”

Parker practices riding the bus in Chicago!

Five years ago we purchased a little rental house in San Antonio. We’ve had a renter in it for the last four years, but our new tenant will be Parker. We will also use the house as a stop-off between nursing contracts.

Hold on a second…

Sorry, Parker was pulling the blinds down because he doesn’t like sunlight. Apparently it produces glare on his phone screen and We Can’t Have That.

Funny thing is, the solution was much easier than Parker anticipated. All I had to do was threaten to drop him off at the homeless encampment in Downtown and the glare suddenly wasn’t so bad.

Sorry, where was I?

Oh. So! Next February, our renter’s lease will be up and Ryan’s next contract will be as well. We will move Parker into the little house where he will have some responsibilities to prepare for independent living. He will do all of his own cooking — which we’ve been working on over the last year — wash his own laundry (also years in practice), and research local jobs for which to apply once he turns 18. We will be there as training wheels until May.  And here’s where it gets really good…

In May, we will go to Destin, Florida and Gulf Shores, Alabama for a 24-day, white, sandy beach get away! Know what we’re getting away from???

Parker.

That will be his time to prove that he can live independently, get himself to and from work, and not burn down the house. If he proves that he still needs mom’s training wheels, I will stay with him and the hubs will go on to his summer contract without us.

This plan is the best I can come up with. This has been a big hot button among the members of my family. Some are of the opinion that Parker should not be left alone, and I’m a selfish, heartless mom.

My response: “Do you want him?”

Their response: “Well, no.”

Exactly. So this is the plan. If Parker were happy and we didn’t have the little house for him to live in, of course we would keep him with us. But he’s miserable, and miserable people are monsters to live with. And I have two younger kids that shouldn’t have to live with a monster. 

Life on the road will take any small fissures in relationships and make canyons of them.

I’m telling you… Parker just rolled off the bed wearing nothing but basketball shorts and is laying on the floor calling for the dog to come over. Attention seeking, much? Ugh. So annoying. 

Now he’s sitting next to me, calling me a giant butthole because I thwarted him pulling down the blinds. I offered to take him to the library, but he declined that offer because — get this — he has two glasses of water he’s freezing in the freezer. I’m not sure why he can’t go to the library while his water freezes, but apparently its a no-go. 

Oh yeah, and why is he freezing glasses of water? This kid…

Small things are bigger and worse when living in a tight space on the road. Also, the Hoffmann Family doesn’t drink, so that coping mechanism is out. A lot of RVers drink and I totally understand why.

This whole no-drinking thing has been a bit of a problem over the past 15 months.

Just kidding! Sobriety is great! And Parker is moving out!

He’s going to be a big-boy-adult soon and I’m so excited!!! We are all so excited! It is amazing!!!

While we’re celebrating, check out this photo of his new car!

And his future co-worker rap buddies when he makes it big as a rap video producer!

Thanks for reading, y’all! God bless and happy travels!

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